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Estate disputes are deeply embedded in family history and can carry the mounting charge and emotion of decades. They tend to arise at a time when family members are trying to come to grips with the death of a loved one. These conflicts arise for a host of reasons: the deceased failed to, or was unable to, deal with certain assets during his or her lifetime; the provisions of the deceased’s Will are unclear; the terms of the Will do not meet expectations, be these expectations reasonable or unreasonable; or an emotional misunderstanding has simply been developing for years.
Now that the "glue" that was holding the family together is gone, the children or grandchildren cannot seem to bridge the emotional gap. And so, sadly, in anger, pain and frustration, too often they turn to attorneys to resolve the differences. But most lawyers, though well-intentioned, are trained to be advocates, not to restore relationships. And so, the children and grandchildren enter a process which deepens the pain and misunderstandings, destroys the remainder of the relationship, and often costs more than the amount in dispute.
There is another way. A full remedy, as always, lies in helping those who are in pain fully express themselves and fully hear the other. Just as anger and confusion are self-escalating, so too is understanding self- deescalating. And understanding, though seemingly unattainable, is always achievable. Of course, the substantive differences facing the family members don’t simply disappear when they begin to understand each other's perspectives, but the greatest barriers to resolution – pain and anger – are largely removed. Perspective, respect and warmth normally return and solutions flow from there.
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